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I love you,
This is the pilot for a new show. He’ll being flying the plane.
Are your socks still on? Doubtful.
Peace out, of your large pizza.
Look, I’m not one to judge a book by it’s cover, but that’s only because I can’t read good, well. However, I’m all for making attempts at humorous cracks at stereotypes of people who wear certain brands of clothing.
Here is what you can assume when you see someone wearing a certain brand of clothing, and we all know what happens when you assume…you are always correct.
Abercrombie & Fitch: We’ll start with the obvious, you’re either:
- In high school.
- A moderate alcoholic.
- Trying to show that you’re hip but about 10 years behind.
- Too lazy to go buy new clothes since high school.
7 Jeans: You’re kinda a showoff, you really only need about 3 good pairs.
Gap: Comfortable and wearable in any situation, unless it has G A P written in size 72 font across the front. Then you’re probably patient because you wear it despite 24 people a day telling you what the acronym “really stands for”.
Free People: You’re a lady trying to look a little hipster but without the smell, but we know how much you really paid for that. Oh, yeah, we know, all too well my friends, all too well. You are also probably attractive.
North Face: Let’s face it, their jackets aren’t as comfortable as you say and they weren’t stitched by a magical Eskimo woman on the top of Mt. Olympus with unicorn hair as thread in order to keep you warmer. You just fell into the fad a few years ago and now you’re stuck with a drafty $200 dollar jacket.
Nike: Well done Sporty Spice, you’ve shown that you are active, whether your sport be basketball or reading extremely mediocre teacher blogs, it counts.
Reebok: You’re a 63 year old woman who walks around the mall.
Affliction: If you’re wearing this and older than 32 and can bench press any Volkswagen make or model, then you’re undoubtedly the most dangerous man at a balloon drop with 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon worth of gel in your hair. Your Axe body spray combo pack follows you like PigPen from Peanuts (aka Charlie Brown), and you don’t have to show us your abs, we know you have more of them than you do brain cells. Put your arms at your side, oh you can’t Ralphie’s little brother from the Christmas Story? It’s okay, we’ll just smile and shake our head as you tell us how hard you’ve been working out your calves but just can’t gett’um where you want ‘em. Unless you’re reading this, then I’m just kidding you’re seriously pretty cool.
Ed Hardy: You probably shouldn’t be at my website.
I’m guilty of at least 7 of these so know that if you’re offended, I’m outraged that some idiot would write such a thing.
What are some ones I forgot?
Today I have the distinct privilege of being featured on a website for exceptional people and/or nonexceptional people. You guess it, BadlyDrawnBible.com. Jared Abercrombie asked me to draw a picture representing a scene from the Bible, so, obviously, I went with John 3:16 and/or the one where kids get eaten by she-bears. So many choices today, so regular amount of time.
If you don’t know Jared, well then you’re an idiot.
I got the opportunity to meet him last week at Catalyst, and after we did that initial “hey we met on the internet but neither of us have a mustache or a knife so we cool” introduction, it was true, real and so real, like, going on a road trip with someone kinda real, like, making scrapbooks out of fleece and yarn real.
If you don’t know him like I do cause we’re BFF forever and ever and ever amen, then here are a few posts of his you can check like that box next to yes when my mom asked you to date. Ohhh, burn.
Make sure you check out his site to see my artistic prowess.
What fictional character or semi-famous person do you thing would be your best friend if they were real and lowered their standards?
I’ll go first (and possibly last)
Hey, Arnold! Ha, get it? Dang, we’re off to a great start. let’s keep truckin.
What’s up, bro? I say bro because I think we’re actually brothers, my mom was white too!
I really like your loft you got going. You’re like, the ultimate hipster. You wear a kilt too, and that’s pretty cultural. Have you ever seen Braveheart?
Your boy Gerald J seems pretty cool. I bet you guys have fun kicking it and talking about sports and looking cool in front of the ladies in 5th grade. Remember when Gerald went to the dance with that 6th grade chick Connie? That was wicked crazy. Can I pull off “wicked” as an adjective? We can talk about it later.
Your Grandpa seems pretty Rad, like the movie. Send me an Angel whoaaaa.
Speaking of those 5th graders, you remember when they chased you guys down and tried to throw you in trash cans? If I was there I would have totally asked them not to do that. I’m a teacher so they would’ve listen to me. Then done it when I wasn’t looking.
I think that one chick you hang out with grows up to be Marcie from Scooby Doo.
What grade are you in now? I made a guess a while back that you’d be in college or something. I bet you have a lot of “dates” and have a lot of Apple products.
I like you Arnold. Not in a Creepo McCreep kinda way, but in a Aretha Franklin mad Respect kinda way. Why? Check the next sentence.
People always raggin you for having a football shaped head, but you’re still the coolest guy around. I mean, they named the dang show after people just greeting you. You’re not in the most episodes.
You must have a lot of confidence. Like, a superhero amount. Maybe we can wear capes together sometime if you’re cool with it like a popsicle.
That was a hard word to spell. I had to check on Google. Do you own Google?
Harold Berman is a tool. If you want we can roll his house or punch him in his big stupid tooth. I bet he has no friends or best friends like us. Hahaha You’re a cartoon and I’m real but we make it work.
So you have a pet pig. Do you ever feed him bacon and then chastise him for cannibalism?
Well, my man, hopefully we can kick it sometime, and by kick it I mean a soccer ball, and by ball, I mean ballerina, because soccer ballerinas are fun to play freeze-tag with.
You’re the best ever.
Ps That Helga Pataki chick is really in love with you, it’s written all over the back of her Diary. Like, hair-doll in love with you.
But, then again, you do have great hair.
These are actual word-for-word things I have heard the people who will be in charge of our futures say. If you’ve missed it or want a trip to Rememberanceville, check out what students are spittin, speakin, say, said, sayin, and summer school saying.
I’ll pay you fifteen forty-five dollars to let me cut your hair or face.
One time my mom was 4 and watching TV and I wasn’t born yet.
When I grow up I’ll be single so no one will mess with my toys.
Once my step-brother was beating my sister with a crutch and I tried to help and we all got spankings.
If you run on the sidewalk that doesn’t show respect.
Cool cool double cool.
Student: I saw a tiger pee in an Indian’s mouth.
Me: That’s disgusting.
Student: But funny.
Me: Mainly disgusting.
You remind me of Phil from the Hangover, cause you’re both teachers and kinda weird.
Pee is bad for your body, cause it can kill you if you drink it.
You know that show? (Me: What show?) That Subway commercial.
Student trying to solve a word problem: She can invite 6 and a half friends.
Me: How do you invite half a friend?
Student: Cut their body.
Disturbing? You should be.
What’s the stupidest/strangest thing you’ve heard lately?