Fact: Bachelor Pad

I have never ever ever ever ever ever ever seen this show. But if I had seen every show including the finale last night, I would know these facts.

“Choppin Block” was said 83 times, every episode: I think I’m on the chopping block this week should only be declared by cows, turkeys, and Marie Antoinette, and even they won’t say it 50 times an episode. I wish they had thrown in a rule declaring everyone who said it had to get a finger cut off. Like, they bring them in and say, Chopping block eh? You don’t know how right you are, swish slash cut plop yell. Harsh? After I pointed it’s frequency to my wife, I started giving her a look every time they said it, then I started getting on my own nerves with it occurring more times than Hayden Christiansen whines in a movie (FYI It takes an incredible amount of myself to get on my nerves, not as much for my audience). Even Harrison got in on the action. Just shut your mouth and let me live my life. I mean, if I’d have watched the show.

Tenley cried: The first episode I (n)ever saw of the Bachelor was the one where she got cut. She seemed nice and positive and nice, while Vienna was a walking white-devil. Turns out, Tenley is kinda annoying. She’s more sensitive than a 14 year old girl with a receding hairline. She even got locked in a bathroom and threatened by a chick, aka Captain Psycho, and I thought she would explode into a funnel cake of water, like in X-Men when that senator bubble bursts on Dr. Gray. She didn’t though, but I wouldn’t know cause I was watching MMA.

Jesse B., the B is for Bad-a**: Don’t screw with Jesse B. I loved it cause he was just hanging out, making out with chicks and having cool tattoos. Near the end, when him and his chick were undoubtedly going to be voted off by the 3 core friend couples, and the one couple was all like How would it feel to be safe? Jesse’s just like, You tell me? Boom. Served, fools. Don’t mess with the best cause the best don’t mess. Once again, I wasn’t watching, I was outside spitting on kittens.

Craig is cool: Remember that Craig guy from the Bachelorette that I kinda maybe made out to be a jerk? No, cause I didn’t. Turns out, he’s pretty freaking cool. I’d kick it with ole Pat Dempsey Jr. I mean, can you deny that hair? The Answer: Allen Iverson. Real Answer: No, you can’t. But I’m not talking about a dude’s hair, I’m out punching the ground and yelling at trees.

The Weatherman is the new Prince: Embrace it bro, no one knows your real name. You are henceforth “The Weatherman”, soon to be “Weatherman”, then “The guy from the Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad formerly known as The Weatherman”, then you’ll just be a symbol, probably a funnel cloud over Oklahoma.

Elizabeth is a moron: This chick is a stinking idiot. She bout got her kinda dated dude kicked off the 2nd week cause he wanted to keep them on the down low (one word? two? three?), blackmailed him into a relationship, and danced on my nerves like Usher on crack. She too the fast train from crazytown, and bailed off into a ditch of moron. Never have I wanted (but wouldn’t) hit a girl so bad. Ps I didn’t see this, I heard about it on Drivetime Sports while drinking Hard Lemonade.

Harrison vs Seacreast: New spinoff of the spinoff. Competitions include memorizing facts and miscellaneous quotes from weeks ago, as well as dramatic pauses and unnecessary sentences. It…shall…prove to….be….o…ne…of…the….longest…sho…ws…in…history (yeah yeah applause suits crew cuts).

But what do I know about this show, I was out kicking fences.