Cartoon Bullies: Where are they now?

We’ve watched them for years; they’ve pushed, shoved, and pestered our cartoon heroes around for years, years I tell you (that’s 3 thus far, Shooter).

Most of them were vanilla shakes of low self-esteem, a surprise dash of desire to be liked, and stirred with a stick of jealousy. We’re going to top our Tuesday midday dessert off with a sprinkle of nostalgia and see where our little childhood 2-dimensional antagonists are today.

Angelica Pickles: This little darling was more spoiled that 25 day old meatloaf on top of a tin roof in Kentucky. Her and her precious Cynthia doll terrorized Tommy and his gang of soggy bottom miscreants because, quite frankly, she was a snotty little rich girl. Let us not honor her by talking more about her and her villainry, for that would only please her meanness.

Where is she now? Princess Angelica did the stereotypical cheerleader thing all the way til her senior year until she was not elected captain, and promptly quit. It’s okay though, her daddy bought a new agri building for some school that graduates 7 a year, so she got to be their only cheerleader. Then she went to college, joined a sorority, made some bad decisions, and is now tied down do some guy in jersey who watches football an uncomfortable amount while she sits in her room and chews on Cynthia’s hair. Hey, I know it’s sad, but that’s what you get when you pick on babies. That’s the law. That’s, people law.

Helga Pataki: Staying true with the “chicks are villains” theme that was pressed into our brains as little tots, Helga was a dang  jerk. However, when worse arrived at worst, she was always good to do the right thing. This was primarily due to her completely unhealthy and more than disturbing obsession with our hero, Arnold. She had a diary (just like my cartoon archnemesis Doug, hence, he was a girl) that she would confess her undying love for ol’ football head. Her grown up equvialant is from the utterly underrated movie Slackers, where Cool Ethan made that hair doll. Yeah, a hair doll. Besides him being her 3D college age brother, she apparently came from a family where daddy was insignificant compared to the hemispheric coolness that is Arnold. Hey.

Where is she now? Miss Pataki is an elementary school teacher. In her spare time, she enjoys knitting sweaters with big initials on them, videotaping her cats and putting them on YouTube, and adding to her collection of left-foot socks she steals occasionally out of Arnold’s apartment. She’s still nuttier than a bag of squirrel poop, but at least now she’s yelling at little 3rd graders to take out her pent up frustration that Arnold never saw her as a love interest because, honestly, she was a scruffy nerf-herder. Also, she works across the hall from that dude that breathes awkwardly heavy. You know the guy.

Roger from Doug: Bless his heart, this dude had it all going against him. His face wasn’t anything special unless he entered a mosquito bite contest, his black leather jacket he never took off  probably smelled 6 shades of death in the summer, and he was about as coordinated as a baby deer video game played by a woman. Luckily, I cannot stand that prissy Prima donna Doug, so Roger’s got the odds in his court on this one…

Where is he now: (move! that! bus!) College did Roger some good. Doug and him ended up going to the same college, but while Doug was in his room writing poetry about ketchup wrappers, Roger grabbed him some ProActive, went for an oil change on that nasty looking hair, and rid the world of that dang Fonzie wannabe jacket for something from The Buckle. He also started working out a bit, took some acting classes, and now goes by the name Adrien Brody. Eat it Doug, toolbag.

Video Nugget of the Day: