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All-Time Awards: Crap Movies

June 9, 2010

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It’s been a while, since I could, hold my head up high. It’s also been a while since I did a dang All-Time Awards Post.  But since MTV has done their thing, they said I could go ahead without stealing their thunder.

Or “Ditz Movies” if you will. It’s like a chick that looks hot at first, but it turns out she’s really a bit of an idiot.

I know there are crummy movies out there, but most of the time if it tastes like a turd in a trailer, it tastes like a turd in full length. The trick for CMM (Crappy Movie Makers) is to convince you in their 30-45 second trailer that their CM is either an epic tale or even a heartfelt Cinderella story.

Here are a few.

Atonement: This little gem had Keira Knightly (Natalie Portman) step out of her usual role as an old timey fluffy dress chick she’s so kindly stereotyped herself into, into the exact same role. It could’ve been good, if it was about 12 minutes long. I kept waiting for it to pick up, and waiting, and waiting, then I quit waiting, then it picked up for 4 minutes, and resumed boredom. The only good thing was, right afterwards Amanda and I movie hopped to see Juno, and it made it that much better, and this one that much worse.

Glitter: No, this is not a time-piece on the Seinfeld of the arts & crafts world (because it never goes away). This trailer got me. Some dude walks up to some random chick in a club, she belts it, gets signed. Yup, should’ve stopped there. Just know that Mariah Carey isn’t in the new James Bond movie for a reason, and it’s not entirely because Nick Cannon’s still cooler than her, which is not entirely a certifiable compliment. Cool hat though.

Did You Hear About the Morgans?: Yes, but I wish I’d heard their movie sucked before I rented it. I loved Hugh Grant in About a Boy, and I liked Sarah Jessica Parker’s The Family Stone because Rachel McAdams was in it, but this one didn’t quite come together. It just wasn’t funny, which is fine if it’s a Vin Diesel movie, but not if it’s a romantic comedy. The jokes seemed lazy and it was about as entertaining as watching people at the park, which apparently you’re not allowed to do anymore if you have a mustache and a comb over. Gosh, thanks a lot Bin Laden.


The Ugly Truth: I actually looked forward to seeing this one. But it just didn’t seem genuine. Gerard Butler’s just too serious and actiony to do comedy. Even Gamer was better and it got like 12 dollars and a cheese sandwich at the box office. And what the crap is he saying half the time? What’s that accent? Mumblese? (Side note: If there’s anything seriously wrong with him I retract my harsh words) And Katherine Heigl, Knocked Up was awesome, but the single working chick thing’s getting old. They kept you alive on Grey’s Anatomy for a reason, because they know this ain’t gonna last. See ya in Primetime soon, Princess. My advice, take Seth Rogen’s hand in marriage.

That one Hilary Duff movie: I disliked this movie enough to where I don’t even want to take the time to type her name in IMDB to figure out the title. It’s not the Lizzy McGuire Movie, which should tell you something right there that that movie beat it out. Something about where her brother dies and she is as a singing school or something and a dude gets drunk who’s like 9. It’s like a super crappy version of Step Up 2, without the dancing, acting, talent, good looks, and catchy music. Hear your Voice? Feel the Music? Eat the Crap? Something like that, who cares?

Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I had to, I just had to Scarlett.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. June 14, 2010 8:42 pm

    i really liked The Ugly Truth. Not sure why, looking back. Perhaps it was the margarita.

    One movie that definitely should be on this list is “The Box” starring Cameron Diaz. This movie should be placed in a wooden box six feet underground, nailed shut, and buried under Gerard Butler’s feces. It got stranger and stranger as it went along. I think I fell asleep twice and I wasn’t ever tired.

    • June 14, 2010 9:15 pm

      Touche. I don’t think I can officially include it because I didn’t finish it either. It was just so flippin awful, and long, and what the crap?

      I can’t remember the last time I quit watching a movie. I even stuck out Hoop Soldiers, a Wal-Mart special which I’m pretty sure even Jessica Simpson passed on.

      I will say the Ugly Truth wasn’t that bad, I think I just wanted it to be better. Kinda like the Braves.

  2. June 14, 2010 9:34 pm

    Donald Miller says he walks out on half the movies he goes to see. I guess that’s what happens when you write a book with the word “dragon” in the title. It bestows some kind of entitlement on you that gives you the nads to get up and leave.

    sorry to hear about hoop soldiers.

    • June 15, 2010 12:16 am

      Yeah, sticking dragon in there is the literary equivalent punching Mark Twain in the face. He’s like a Level 5 in the Christian mafia.

      With regards to Hoop Soldiers, it’s just been a long road ya know? One step at a time (for the record, it came in a DVD size CD case. I think it’s so crappy it’s what God made Paul watch to go blind on the road to Damascus).

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