All-Time Awards: Crap Movies
It’s been a while, since I could, hold my head up high. It’s also been a while since I did a dang All-Time Awards Post. But since MTV has done their thing, they said I could go ahead without stealing their thunder.
Or “Ditz Movies” if you will. It’s like a chick that looks hot at first, but it turns out she’s really a bit of an idiot.
I know there are crummy movies out there, but most of the time if it tastes like a turd in a trailer, it tastes like a turd in full length. The trick for CMM (Crappy Movie Makers) is to convince you in their 30-45 second trailer that their CM is either an epic tale or even a heartfelt Cinderella story.
Here are a few.
Atonement: This little gem had Keira Knightly (Natalie Portman) step out of her usual role as an old timey fluffy dress chick she’s so kindly stereotyped herself into, into the exact same role. It could’ve been good, if it was about 12 minutes long. I kept waiting for it to pick up, and waiting, and waiting, then I quit waiting, then it picked up for 4 minutes, and resumed boredom. The only good thing was, right afterwards Amanda and I movie hopped to see Juno, and it made it that much better, and this one that much worse.
Glitter: No, this is not a time-piece on the Seinfeld of the arts & crafts world (because it never goes away). This trailer got me. Some dude walks up to some random chick in a club, she belts it, gets signed. Yup, should’ve stopped there. Just know that Mariah Carey isn’t in the new James Bond movie for a reason, and it’s not entirely because Nick Cannon’s still cooler than her, which is not entirely a certifiable compliment. Cool hat though.
Did You Hear About the Morgans?: Yes, but I wish I’d heard their movie sucked before I rented it. I loved Hugh Grant in About a Boy, and I liked Sarah Jessica Parker’s The Family Stone because Rachel McAdams was in it, but this one didn’t quite come together. It just wasn’t funny, which is fine if it’s a Vin Diesel movie, but not if it’s a romantic comedy. The jokes seemed lazy and it was about as entertaining as watching people at the park, which apparently you’re not allowed to do anymore if you have a mustache and a comb over. Gosh, thanks a lot Bin Laden.
The Ugly Truth: I actually looked forward to seeing this one. But it just didn’t seem genuine. Gerard Butler’s just too serious and actiony to do comedy. Even Gamer was better and it got like 12 dollars and a cheese sandwich at the box office. And what the crap is he saying half the time? What’s that accent? Mumblese? (Side note: If there’s anything seriously wrong with him I retract my harsh words) And Katherine Heigl, Knocked Up was awesome, but the single working chick thing’s getting old. They kept you alive on Grey’s Anatomy for a reason, because they know this ain’t gonna last. See ya in Primetime soon, Princess. My advice, take Seth Rogen’s hand in marriage.
That one Hilary Duff movie: I disliked this movie enough to where I don’t even want to take the time to type her name in IMDB to figure out the title. It’s not the Lizzy McGuire Movie, which should tell you something right there that that movie beat it out. Something about where her brother dies and she is as a singing school or something and a dude gets drunk who’s like 9. It’s like a super crappy version of Step Up 2, without the dancing, acting, talent, good looks, and catchy music. Hear your Voice? Feel the Music? Eat the Crap? Something like that, who cares?
Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I had to, I just had to Scarlett.