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That’s Uncomfortable

July 28, 2010

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I love my family, bagel bites, SNL Digital Shorts, and awkward situations. Let’s focus on the last one (the other 3 are kinda personal).

Most awkward situations in film I can think of: that dinner scene in The Family Stone, and every episode of the British version of The Office. You can be watching it at home, by yourself, and still feel out of your skin uncomfortable. Like you farted in an elevator full of pregnant women.

I just love it when things get uncomfortable, and since today is most likely the day after my first born in birthed (this was written a few days in advance and published automatically, sheesh), we’ll start with him.

Awkward #1

My son hasn’t even been born yet and he already helps me watch people squirm. It goes like this:

Aw, do you know what you’re having?

A boy.

Aw, do you know what you’re gonna name him?

Titus.

Oh, that’s neat. I’ve never heard that before. Where’d you guys come up with that?

It’s a book in the Bible…

Oh…(smiles fade, realization sets in that she just labeled herself a sweaty heathen in the middle of the Bible belt and/or middle of church)

Boom. I love it. I’m not going to cry witch cause they don’t read their Bible often, that’s their business, but it has happened more than once to people who are the Forward this email to 10 people if you love Jesus or you’re gonna marry a fat ugly person who hates you kinda people. I just smile.

Awkward #2

My second day of college, my buddies and I skipped the Freshman borientation and made some memories.

This is a little gem called The Poop Dollar. You can probably catch the jist of it from la title, but you just put some stuff on a dollar, and set it on the ground and watch people pick it up. We watched from a window as several people picked it up with excitement, only to crash into disgustville as they realize their $1 prize came at a price. A very. costly. price.

Awkard #3

Bathroom Shenanigans

Warning: This section involves urination. However, it shall be replaced in all cases by the word: Schmooze. For our lady listeners.

With possibilities as endless as a non-noob’s Pokemon deck, these little gems find that oh so precious line, and schmoozes on it, literally. A few of my favorites:

The Concerner: This is when one is hanging at the stall/urinal, handling business in the same location as a buddy and other unknown audience. You suddenly become concernacus about your buddy’s make believe problems, Did that special rash ever clear up that you got at the zoo?, or, I can’t believe Barbara broke up with you just because she caught you cross dressing at a Kanye West concert.

The Dodger: The premise of this little death trap is the attacker will attempt to place an object of the schmoozer’s in the path of the beam (never, cross, the beams). The backfire comes when the attackee decides to stop freaking out and dodging the item, and sacrifices the item in order to retaliate upon the attacker’s hand.

The Kiddie: You know how when you go to the restroom at a ballpark/stadium, and walk in and immediately have to search for your favorite ceiling tile because a kid is using a urinal with his lower clothing at his feet. In no way am I condemning these kids, they’re kids. I’m just letting you know how funny it is when a grown man does it. Try it, it’s delightful.

The Earthquake: The premise is simple: Wait until your buddy in handling business at a urinal, walk up behind your buddy and grab his shoulders, then start violently shaking him back & forth yelling EARTHQUAKE.

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Oh yeah, I also like to ask people, especially new couples, Do you guys love each other?

Got any funny pranks you like to pull or instant awkward makers?

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This post sponsored by the Canadian Bear Beanie Baby.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Jordyn permalink
    October 30, 2010 9:04 pm

    this is hilarious!
    hahaha.
    i love it.

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