MegaPastor Battle Royale: Sweet Sixteen
Ladies and Jellybeans, we are gathered here today in the site of WordPress, to determine which American pastor would win in a tournament of all that is man….The Epic Battle Royale! The MegaChurch Melee. The Octagon.
This is like Karate Kid meets a TapOut shirt meets Joan of Arc meets the Apostle Paul.
We have 16 pastors hypothetically duking it out on the worlds smallest stage, this website, using nothing more than what appears to be their fighting ability based on standing on a stage.
What if everybody’s favorite Christian pastors met up at Catalyst or Lou’s Bar or Starbucks, and decided the only way to settle who was the baddest mamma jamma to write a book and preach the Word, was to beat the business suits out of each other in a MMA Cage Match? What if that was the longest sentence ever? What if…
MegaChurch Pastors Royal Rumble of destruction.
I will periodically post the rounds and the winners of their respectable matches. But, you can decide the winners and even 2 of the contestants. Stay tuned to see how.
Now, I present to you, the men of the hour, the holiest of human holies, the architects of alter calls, the sultans of sermons, the kings of keeping the faith, yooooouuurrrrr MegaChurch Pastor hypothetical fighters!
(Please keep in mind, this is all for fun. I respect every one of these guys, I was just sick of talking about movies.)
In random order….
Joel Osteen of Lakewood Church in Texas: Weighing in at a moderately unhealthy 157 pounds and sporting a suit that cost more than my last 3 cars. Smiley Joe (as he’s known on the streets) pulls in an astonishing 25,000+ attendees at his stadium style happy-go-lucky church. Watch for him to fight for what he wants, and that’s to rise to the top.
Rob Bell of Mars Hill Church in Michigan: The Shot Blocker, as they called him in high school, is standing strong at around 6’5” and sporting an intimidating vest with supporting edgy yet form fitting ultra-hip outfit. His reach will be a huge advantage in this fight, along with the obvious man-crush held by our sole writer. Bell has chosen not to take off his trademark black frame glasses because he says, “I’d just be putting them back on as my opponent
Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle: Rainy Day Driscoll is known for his big support of MMA, and the fact that he is wearing a leather jacket. I mean, the last guy I saw that was wearing a leather jacket cut some old dude outside a bowling alley. Crap just got real. Driscoll has been prone to yelling on stage, not usually a favorite among modern day megachurchers. Also been know to call out people from the pulpit. Let’s see if he can take this to the ring or if this dog’s all bark.
Perry Noble of NewSpring Church in South Carolina: Noble the Knuckler is our tallest competitor standing at 6’6” tall. His likes are ice cream and his wife who’s name I can’t spell, dislikes include snakes and people who don’t put the toilet seat down. Noble also has a record of calling people out, but usually follows back up with a kind word or easing joke. Let’s see if he’s been reaching out or holding back his inner attacker.
Pete Wilson of Cross Point Church in Nashville: Pete “The Hair Swoosh” Wilson is lead pastor in Nashville, the acoustic capital of the world. He’s weighing in with a hearty 57,000 followers on Twitter, which he also follows back. This sets him apart from many of our other fighters, who tend to let either pride or Tweet apathy stand in their way. Friends and supporters from the right network might just be what puts Willy over the top like Stallone.
Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in California: Whompin Warren may have gotten a little soft around the equator, but he’s been on an intense training as of late. Starting some controversy with his “Challenge Tweet oh 10,” he stirred the waters and strengthened his defense. Watch for him to be a surprise in the early rounds.
Andy Stanley of North Point Church in Atlanta: The Stanley Steamer has been known for his calm yet dominating presence on stage, along with his ability to take charge and own an event. Plus, living in Atlanta, he’s had his fair share of gang related brawls and hip-hop music. With everything he’s got going on, his endurance has got to be in peak condition. If the fight goes past the first round, expect The Steamer to roll some people.
Steven Furtick of Elevation Church in South Carolina: The only thing more unpredictable than Fistful Furtick’s fighting ability is his hair style. Furtick has been a rapid growing force in the Megachurch community, combined with his ability to make the Sun stand still, he should be a fierce competitor. Look for his victories to be reTweeted across the Twittersphere.
Ed Young of Second Baptist Church in Texas: Ed-ucation has been rocking the Christian scene since Paul was crashing in boats. Nobody really expects much fight outta him, but that might be an advantage. But probably not. Not gonna lie, I like dolphins. Didn’t say I’d say on topic, but it’s true.
Craig Groeschel of LifeChurch.TV in Oklahoma: If anyone here looks the part of a seasoned vet in the face punching arena, it’d be Craig “the Grappler” Groeschel. If he locks in on a competitor, expect his fundamentals and experience to take over when it comes to the ground game. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s used to being in front of a camera. I don’t know why. But it can’t hurt.
T.D. Jakes of The Potter’s House in Texas:– Jakes the Jackhammer attacks like a dragon and hooks like fish. His massive upper body strength and energy levels are a reason he’s a favorite to win the whole thing. Plus, we all know bald guys are just better at sports. Goatee’s also heighten his power level to above 3,000.
Ed Young Jr. of Fellowship Church in Texas: Following in daddy’s footsteps but driven by a desire to stand out, Young Jeezy looks to capitalize on the training from his father and combine it with some fresh moves. The Little Giants.
John Burke of Gateway Church in Texas: The Apostler John has attracted people with pasts, not only to show them the wonderful world of Jesus, but to learn from their sketchy pasts in order to train for this event that is less likely to occur in real life than Kristen Stewart is to have her own talk show. I think he might have a tattoo. Let that speak for itself.
Billy Graham of America in Earth: The BG. The master. The original. The Boss. I don’t have to say much, just know that we’re allowing him to enter in his physical prime. The man met more Presidents than the Library of Congress. He’s the guy to beat. If that’s even possible.
Wild Card: TBD by you
Wild Card: TBD by you
Those are our contestants. If you don’t agree with all of them then you’re in luck, because we are allowing 2 Wild Cards into the bracket. They can be any pastor, not necessary a MegaChurch pastor, but any pastor of your choosing. I mean, University of Arkansas Pine Bluff made the NCAA tourny last year, so why can’t your pastor be in a make believe fighting tournament?
All you have to do is put the pastor’s name in the comments, and then get people to upvote that comment. The top two will be entered as Wild Cards and have their shot at the 20 million they can have if they sell Joel Osteen’s tie.
Also, I will determine the winners, but I can very easily be swayed. Just leave a comment defending your case of who would win if one of the two people above got into a real life fight club, and went til one was done. Make a good compelling argument, fake or real, and I gotta respect that. Rep yo city.
Name your pastor. Vote them up. Tell me who would win and why.
Let’s theoretically and theologically crack some faces.