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Mr. Tarver’s Phenomenal 9

August 19, 2010

(In honor of school starting back today for us high schooligans (school + hooligans) and educatinators (educator + terminator), here is a list of my 9 rules I establish at the beginning of each school year. This has the distinct potential to be the most boring post of all time. Which within itself, is quite an accomplishment. I apologize in advance and please throw out your gum.)

Class Motto: Show respect to the teacher, classmates, and classroom, but remain fly at all times.

1. Be prepared for the class.

Bring your pencil, paper, and required work to class EVERYDAY. If you do not have a pencil or paper, you may ask your neighbor quietly. Do not put on a big show or production. We don’t care that you are too cool not to bring your stuff to class. Save that business for reality shows. Keep up with ALL worksheets and notes. If you can’t, then talk to Mr. Tarver after class and he will provide a folder for you. You may leave your folder or notebook in this classroom, but beware of thugs.

2. Don’t be a little whiny baby.

If we are going to take notes or work on an assignment, do not give a big sigh of irritation or complain. Definitely do not ask, Do we have to or Why? The answer to those questions is because the law requires it. If you don’t like it, move to Mexico. If you complain or whine then you will have to rewrite this entire handout. Booya.

3. Do not make fun of anyone, put down anyone, hit/kick anyone, or use foul language.

Be nice to each other. If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all, unless I ask you a question, then respond nicely. If I hear something I feel is derogatory or see you touch/strike another person, you will write a full-page apology to that person.  If you use foul language, then that merely shows your lack of creativity and lack of manners. If I hear an inappropriate word, you will get a discipline slip. Savvy?

4. If you are given an assignment, work on that assignment.

Stay focused on what we are working on. Most of the time I will give you time to work on junk in class, so work on it. That way, you make a good grade and you also have someone here to help you. Do you love homework? Do you want to marry it? No, because it’s mean like a rabbit. Finish it in class and handle your business.

5. Do not sit on or move the desks.

Hey guess what? Desks cost money. The seat was made to be sat in. If you are caught sitting/leaning on a desk, you will fill out a discipline slip. Also, please don’t move the desks. They are where they are because they look so pretty there. Just like in a hospital, don’t move the patients. Pretty please.

6. Absolutely no wearing hoods.

In the handbook it specifies about wearing hats, you can’t wear them. But Mr. Tarver can’t stand people wearing hoods. I think it’s mega creepy and I don’t like dark alleyways either. So, if you have your hood on in class, boom, you’ve got a discipline slip.

7. Show up to class on time.

“But it’s so far”, “I have to go to my locker”, “Blah blah blah blah”. You have seven minutes to walk to your next class. The higher ups at this school have walked from the furthest classrooms in less than seven minutes. So you can walk here. Say goodbye to Timmy or Sally Sue and get to class. It’s not like it’s true love anyways. It might be, but you should still go to class cause chicks dig smart guys. Or maybe that’s rich? Either way, be in your desk when the bell starts ringing.

8. If you are absent, HANDLE YOUR BUSINESS.

Show up to school. Check the side board for what we did the day before, check with someone to see what you missed. I’m not your mommy, be responsible. Goodness gracious, you only have to come here for a few more years. My policy:

  • If you turn it in the next day = Full Credit.
  • Before that chapter’s test = 50% of what you get correct.
  • After that= 1 point.

If you hate school that much, graduate then do whatever you want. If it is a medical reason, get an excused form. Otherwise, skipping is not cool. Show up.

9. Discipline Process:

1st Warning- Initials on the board

2nd Discipline Sheet- Fill one out completely

3rd Afternoon Detention- Self-Explanatory

4th La Principal’s Office

5th The Gates of Mordor

__________________________________________________________

Tardiness, Bathroom Visits, Etc.       Name:

For Mr. Tarver’s class, you have 5 excused tardies/bathroom visits. Use this wisely because there will come a day, after you drink 3 bottles of Propel and really have to go visit Mr. Restroom, and you will be out of places to sign. Then your tardy card will be signed, and of course you won’t have it, and you will go to the office, tears ensue and cell phones disappear. Make sure this visit is worth it.

  1. ______    2. ______   3.______   4.______   5.______

____________________________________

What are some rules you’d have in your classroom?

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. August 19, 2010 5:56 am

    Rabbits are TOTALLY the meanest, right? I’d peg one with a Cadbury Egg if I could.

    Wearing hoods always lead to freestyle contests which leads to vomit on sweaters (Mom’s Spaghetti) which leads to Cheddar Bob shooting himself in the leg. Guns don’t maim people, HOODS DO.

    • August 19, 2010 2:23 pm

      Upon reading your comment, I was filled with anger that I had not read it in time to change my rule sheet. Henceforth, my rough drafts shall undergo a thorough knoxing before being published.

  2. August 19, 2010 9:07 am

    LOL. Hoods are creep, i k r.

    You sound terrifying for a teacher Tyler! :p

    • August 19, 2010 2:32 pm

      Thank you. Intimidation and fear are my right and left fists.

  3. August 19, 2010 9:23 am

    I pictured you yelling the entire thing and it made me laugh even more. Reminded me of the Geico commercial with the drill sergeant therapist, you jackwagon.

    I couldn’t help thinking how “handle your business” could be misconstrued to high school boys though. You don’t want that. If that happened in my class, they’d go directly to the Gates of Mordor, do not pass go, and do not collect $200.

    • August 19, 2010 2:39 pm

      Jackwagon has now been inserted into my regular vocabulary.

      No misinterpretations of hyb as of yet, however, I did tell a podium that his mother was a bench.

      • August 19, 2010 4:46 pm

        Okay, so maybe hyb is only misconstrued by 31 year-old’s with a high school- okay, middle school- sense of humor.

        The podium/bench thing is gold.

  4. August 19, 2010 9:51 am

    What’s the point of initials on the board? When my third grade teacher, ms. stephens, did that i just erased CL as i left the classroom. she would’ve been your teacher too, but your dad had to take that job in GA and prevent us from being friends until later in life. Then you would’ve known that it’s not cool to initial the board. Rather, you should tie them to their desk and set the room on fire…dunkin’ flicka

    • August 19, 2010 2:40 pm

      The initials on my board reset after each class period, in order to deter such deviants as yourself.

      I guess that’s why they call it window panes.

  5. Regan permalink
    August 21, 2010 2:56 pm

    We-elll, since I just switched from high school to elementary, I’m still figuring out the rules thing for the rugrats. In high school, I also did the whole X number of bathroom passes per semester. I only gave three though, so your kids are lucky. And my kids had 3-4 minutes between classes. But my favorite rule ever was this one: “Gossip is toxic waste. Don’t dump it here.” I made a sign with the little radioactivity symbol, and shut ’em down. It was quite entertaining when one of my students suggested I post a copy on the teachers’ lounge door. :)

  6. Storytime permalink
    February 24, 2011 7:19 pm

    Math is of the devil and I praise God daily that I never have to sit through another math class ever again and think that my Math major friends need to have their heads checked but I might have actually enjoyed having a teacher that made rule descriptions like this…

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