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Top 20 Dwight Schrute Quotes

March 4, 2011

Lizzz Lemmmoon, takes home the first round spot by defeating the young and rowdy Bart Simpson. You people are the cheese of the Earth, in a world where cheese rules the Earth.

Today, I am, wait for it….double posting. I ain’t seen a double post since Scuffy McGee. I did the Charlie Sheen interview, but I gotta rep my boy Dwight.

Please, click this to go vote for Dwight Schrute right now like his life depends on it in the Greatest TV Comedy Character of All-Time Cage Match.

In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me. I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.

‘R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder and not mukduk.

Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

I do not believe you. Continue.

Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?

Ryan: Did you see Saw?
Dwight: Of course I seesaw, Mose and I seesaw all the time.

When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had reabsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has [love] with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don’t care—they’re your oats.

Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.

I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

I have no vampire experience, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got there, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.

Dwight: I can untie any knot. I’m serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead.
Blonde: I believe you.
Dwight: You shouldn’t believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie.

If they stay in there too long, they’re gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I’ve been attempting to assemble. I’m suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea … for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, only to find himself… IN JAIL!

I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

I’m sorry! I grew up on a farm! We killed a pig whenever we wanted bacon! And when my grandfather died, we reburied him in an old oil drum!

It’s good to be paranoid. People need to be more paranoid. Case in point, JFK. If I had been JFK, I would’ve seen all three gunmen. I would’ve pulled out my concealed Luger and fired first. Man in book depository, boom! Grassy knoll, boom! Fake Jakie, boom! Then I’d shoot myself, so I don’t change history and create a paradox, boom! But right at the last minute I twist out of the way of the bullet. Nice try, history. Better luck next year.

Dwight Schrute: Through simple concentration I can both raise and lower my cholesterol.
Pam Beesly: Why would you raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.

I have been Michael’s number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy

Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.

Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you’re not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You’re like the guy who invented the seat belt.

What’s your favorite?

Go vote for Dwight and watch my Charlie Sheen Interview (topical).

I love you.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. March 4, 2011 10:45 am

    Wow is he quotable. I can’t even pick a favorite. We’re gonna rise up like a Josh Groban song and win this tourney.

  2. March 4, 2011 11:14 am

    “don’t be fooled by the phrase – dust bunnies. they are vicious little bitches. if they get inside your disc drive, God help you.”


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