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Dear Arnold

May 17, 2011

Dear Arnold,

Hey, Arnold! Ha, get it? Dang, we’re off to a great start. let’s keep truckin.

What’s up, bro? I say bro because I think we’re actually brothers, my mom was white too!

I really like your loft you got going. You’re like, the ultimate hipster. You wear a kilt too, and that’s pretty cultural. Have you ever seen Braveheart?

Your boy Gerald J seems pretty cool. I bet you guys have fun kicking it and talking about sports and looking cool in front of the ladies in 5th grade. Remember when Gerald went to the dance with that 6th grade chick Connie? That was wicked crazy. Can I pull off “wicked” as an adjective? We can talk about it later.

Your Grandpa seems pretty Rad, like the movie. Send me an Angel whoaaaa.

Speaking of those 5th graders, you remember when they chased you guys down and tried to throw you in trash cans? If I was there I would have totally asked them not to do that. I’m a teacher so they would’ve listen to me. Then done it when I wasn’t looking.

I think that one chick you hang out with grows up to be Marcie from Scooby Doo.

What grade are you in now? I made a guess a while back that you’d be in college or something. I bet you have a lot of “dates” and have a lot of Apple products.

I like you Arnold. Not in a Creepo McCreep kinda way, but in a Aretha Franklin mad Respect kinda way. Why? Check the next sentence.

People always raggin you for having a football shaped head, but you’re still the coolest guy around. I mean, they named the dang show after people just greeting you. You’re not in the most episodes.

You must have a lot of confidence. Like, a superhero amount. Maybe we can wear capes together sometime if you’re cool with it like a popsicle.

That was a hard word to spell. I had to check on Google. Do you own Google?

Harold Berman is a tool. If you want we can roll his house or punch him in his big stupid tooth. I bet he has no friends or best friends like us. Hahaha You’re a cartoon and I’m real but we make it work.

So you have a pet pig. Do you ever feed him bacon and then chastise him for cannibalism?

Well, my man, hopefully we can kick it sometime, and by kick it I mean a soccer ball, and by ball, I mean ballerina, because soccer ballerinas are fun to play freeze-tag with.

You’re the best ever.



Ps That Helga Pataki chick is really in love with you, it’s written all over the back of her Diary. Like, hair-doll in love with you.

But, then again, you do have great hair.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. May 17, 2011 9:09 am

    Remember that time his Chinese neighbor sang exactly like Randy Travis? That was my favorite by a landslide.

    • May 18, 2011 10:00 am

      so country, so real, so lifelike, so right.

  2. May 17, 2011 9:46 am

    I really hope he sees this!

    • May 18, 2011 10:05 am

      then everything would work out i just know it would with all my heart with all my heart im serious all my heart every single bit for real

  3. May 17, 2011 10:33 am

    He does have great hair!

    • May 18, 2011 10:06 am

      I know. That part is exquisite, the hat fits like a glove, a very tiny perfectly placed glove that sits on your hand.

  4. May 17, 2011 11:17 am

    Wait this wasn’t about Arnold Schwarzenegger?

    • May 18, 2011 10:07 am

      the schwarz had a secret kid, so, is it?

  5. Jared Clifton permalink
    May 18, 2011 7:11 am

    This reminds me of that Eminem song where the crazed fan keeps writing Marshall, but he never writes back and I think it ends with Happily Everafter, or something.

    • May 18, 2011 10:08 am

      that’s not right but my name is stan and i have a car

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