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What Your Clothing Says About You

May 19, 2011

Look, I’m not one to judge a book by it’s cover, but that’s only because I can’t read good, well. However, I’m all for making attempts at humorous cracks at stereotypes of people who wear certain brands of clothing.

Here is what you can assume when you see someone wearing a certain brand of clothing, and we all know what happens when you assume…you are always correct.

Abercrombie & Fitch: We’ll start with the obvious, you’re either:

  • In high school.
  • A moderate alcoholic.
  • Trying to show that you’re hip but about 10 years behind.
  • Too lazy to go buy new clothes since high school.
Hollister: See “Abercrombie” options, but add and thrifty to the end of each option.
Express: You’re a young dude trying to class up to an old man profession. You want the schnazzy (with an s), but don’t wanna go with Dockers or Duckhead. Is Duckhead still a thing? Please say no.
Duckhead: Seriously, do people still wear this stuff? If used to be one of my primary forced external skin when I was a kid.
Bugle Boy: Refer to “Duckhead” description, but add denim to everything.
Banana Republic: A fan of wearing expensive things but not showing the brand. That’s what we call an Undercover Express. Elegant, yet humble.

7 Jeans: You’re kinda a showoff, you really only need about 3 good pairs.

Gap: Comfortable and wearable in any situation, unless it has G A P written in size 72 font across the front. Then you’re probably patient because you wear it despite 24 people a day telling you what the acronym “really stands for”.

Free People: You’re a lady trying to look a little hipster but without the smell, but we know how much you really paid for that. Oh, yeah, we know, all too well my friends, all too well. You are also probably attractive.

North Face: Let’s face it, their jackets aren’t as comfortable as you say and they weren’t stitched by a magical Eskimo woman on the top of Mt. Olympus with unicorn hair as thread in order to keep you warmer. You just fell into the fad a few years ago and now you’re stuck with a drafty $200 dollar jacket.

Nike: Well done Sporty Spice, you’ve shown that you are active, whether your sport be basketball or reading extremely mediocre teacher blogs, it counts.

Reebok: You’re a 63 year old woman who walks around the mall.

Affliction: If you’re wearing this and older than 32 and can bench press any Volkswagen make or model, then you’re undoubtedly the most dangerous man at a balloon drop with 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon worth of gel in your hair. Your Axe body spray combo pack follows you like PigPen from Peanuts (aka Charlie Brown), and you don’t have to show us your abs, we know you have more of them than you do brain cells. Put your arms at your side, oh you can’t Ralphie’s little brother from the Christmas Story? It’s okay, we’ll just smile and shake our head as you tell us how hard you’ve been working out your calves but just can’t gett’um where you want ’em. Unless you’re reading this, then I’m just kidding you’re seriously pretty cool.

Ed Hardy: You probably shouldn’t be at my website.

I’m guilty of at least 7 of these so know that if you’re offended, I’m outraged that some idiot would write such a thing.

What are some ones I forgot?

24 Comments leave one →
  1. May 19, 2011 10:24 am

    American Eagle, Target, and Aeropostale. I’m not saying I shop at any of these. I am saying that you forgot those.

    • May 19, 2011 10:51 pm


  2. May 19, 2011 10:27 am

    Benetton. oh excuse me, The United Colors of Benetton. do people still wear this? because if they do i imagine they’re named Biff and Cadence.

    • May 19, 2011 10:54 pm

      i don’t even know what that it but i want to take it out of the dryer and place it on my face

  3. May 19, 2011 10:36 am

    The hoodie, no matter the brand, says, “Look at me, I’m a freshman in college pulling an all-nighter at the library pretending to study while hitting on the girl I will marry.” I have at least four hooded sweatshirts. I am 34 and have been married for 12 years. Oh well.

    • May 19, 2011 1:11 pm

      Hoodies will never die.

      • May 19, 2011 10:52 pm

        i thought you said Hootie, and no, he’ll never die.

    • May 19, 2011 10:52 pm

      Boom correctamundo.

  4. May 19, 2011 11:28 am

    Wrangler. Says that you are comfortable. In Wrangler. And like playing pickup football games in jeans.

    Anthropologie. Says that you are a girl age 25-30 who likes flowing, frilly things. I think.

    Jcrew. Like Banana Republic slightly more expensive and exclusive (b/c AR doesn’t have one).

    Patagonia/Mountain Hardware/Arcteryx/Marmot. Says that North Face is too main stream for me and that I want “authentic” mountain climbing gear.

    Others: Urban Outfitters, American Apparel, Sam’s Club, Forever 21, The Buckle?, and Bass Pro Shops

    • May 19, 2011 10:54 pm

      D. all of the above

  5. May 19, 2011 1:12 pm

    I shop at thrift stores and TJ Maxx. And Gabriel Brothers. Basically I don’t buy new clothes from new stores. Mostly.

    • May 19, 2011 10:55 pm

      that’s how i was before my wife dressed me, i steal am if I can still the clothes from somewhere without the grammar police arresting me.

  6. May 19, 2011 2:51 pm

    Speaking of North Face, have you seen these fleeces??

    • May 19, 2011 10:55 pm

      yes and yes and yes

  7. May 19, 2011 3:43 pm

    American Apparel: You prefer to pay the maximum possible amount for a solid colored cotton tee-shirt and/or you want an over-sized see-through neon bat-winged poncho (in other words, you are a very practical person)

    • May 19, 2011 10:56 pm

      but dang if a hipster don’t look like a playa nah mean?

  8. May 19, 2011 3:55 pm

    Old Navy… You’re a teenager, or trying to relive your teenage years. Oh, and you really like buying t-shirts for $5 during certain seasons of the year.

    • May 19, 2011 10:56 pm

      i can’t even fight wars

  9. Amanda Tarver permalink
    May 19, 2011 4:15 pm

    Oh, sweet, simple Tyler…

    • May 19, 2011 10:57 pm

      comment number 2 ladies and gentlemen

  10. May 19, 2011 7:02 pm

    I’m elegant, yet humble. Thank you. Of course, there’s the Payless shoes and Claire’s jewelry. Maybe a tad less elegant.

    • May 19, 2011 10:58 pm

      but a lot more excellence.

  11. May 20, 2011 6:52 am

    I hate shopping, so I have two “uniforms.”

    In the winter, I always wear a black turtleneck over a white tank top with a pair of jeans. I don’t care where any of these items care from, but I rock this look. Every day. For months. It doesn’t even matter because everything is hidden beneath my gigantic, quilted knee-length parka. It is so cold, I often keep my parka on when I teach. My students don’t even ask anymore. They just know once the temps dip below 50, the coat stays on. Oh, and I also wear a hat with ear flaps. It’s hot. Everyone says so.

    (I realize this sounds like I am lying, but I am so not.)

    In the summer, I wear sundresses and slip on sneakers. Or no shoes at all.

    I’m that girl.

    It’s all or nothing.

    I love this post!

    Welcome to my blogroll.

    • May 22, 2011 2:59 pm

      I always knew Renee was an all or nothing girl.

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