What Your Clothing Says About You

Look, I’m not one to judge a book by it’s cover, but that’s only because I can’t read good, well. However, I’m all for making attempts at humorous cracks at stereotypes of people who wear certain brands of clothing.

Here is what you can assume when you see someone wearing a certain brand of clothing, and we all know what happens when you assume…you are always correct.

Abercrombie & Fitch: We’ll start with the obvious, you’re either:

• In high school.
• A moderate alcoholic.
• Trying to show that you’re hip but about 10 years behind.
• Too lazy to go buy new clothes since high school.

Hollister: See “Abercrombie” options, but add and thrifty to the end of each option.

Express: You’re a young dude trying to class up to an old man profession. You want the schnazzy (with an s), but don’t wanna go with Dockers or Duckhead. Is Duckhead still a thing? Please say no.

Duckhead: Seriously, do people still wear this stuff? If used to be one of my primary forced external skin when I was a kid.

Bugle Boy: Refer to “Duckhead” description, but add denim to everything.

Banana Republic: A fan of wearing expensive things but not showing the brand. That’s what we call an Undercover Express. Elegant, yet humble.

7 Jeans: You’re kinda a showoff, you really only need about 3 good pairs.

Gap: Comfortable and wearable in any situation, unless it has G A P written in size 72 font across the front. Then you’re probably patient because you wear it despite 24 people a day telling you what the acronym “really stands for”.

Free People: You’re a lady trying to look a little hipster but without the smell, but we know how much you really paid for that. Oh, yeah, we know, all too well my friends, all too well. You are also probably attractive.

North Face: Let’s face it, their jackets aren’t as comfortable as you say and they weren’t stitched by a magical Eskimo woman on the top of Mt. Olympus with unicorn hair as thread in order to keep you warmer. You just fell into the fad a few years ago and now you’re stuck with a drafty $200 dollar jacket.

Nike: Well done Sporty Spice, you’ve shown that you are active, whether your sport be basketball or reading extremely mediocre teacher blogs, it counts.

Reebok: You’re a 63 year old woman who walks around the mall.

Affliction: If you’re wearing this and older than 32 and can bench press any Volkswagen make or model, then you’re undoubtedly the most dangerous man at a balloon drop with 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon worth of gel in your hair. Your Axe body spray combo pack follows you like PigPen from Peanuts (aka Charlie Brown), and you don’t have to show us your abs, we know you have more of them than you do brain cells. Put your arms at your side, oh you can’t Ralphie’s little brother from the Christmas Story? It’s okay, we’ll just smile and shake our head as you tell us how hard you’ve been working out your calves but just can’t gett’um where you want ’em. Unless you’re reading this, then I’m just kidding you’re seriously pretty cool.

Ed Hardy: You probably shouldn’t be at my website.

I’m guilty of at least 7 of these so know that if you’re offended, I’m outraged that some idiot would write such a thing.

What are some ones I forgot?